Feeling Like an Old Dog Kicked Out

I'm so glad and proud of having the best people to lighten me up when I'm down and out, when I'm out of breath and getting the right therapy to heal my wounds. But sometimes I wonder, how are people judged in the society. As far as I'm concern, in my taman, and I think all of us experience the same thing. When you're in primary school, if you're obedient, or hardworking and your neighbours will pass the word around saying you're a really nice kid, if you're a kaki ponteng, then everybody will think that you're a bad kid. When you're in secondary school or uni, people see you as a nice person if you score well in your exam and if you don't smoke or take drugs.. well, how would people really see you now? will they still see you in the same light when you're a good kid but you don't have a job? or you're earning like hell but you're doing drugs, or you're a compulsive gambler? Sometimes I just seemed to be pressured by stuffs like that if you get what I mean.. Ok Enough of this kinda shit.

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Anyway just wanna shout out to that 'Anonymous' person (I really don't know who you are) who posted a comment on my last post, I really appreciate what you said, and honestly, I am touched by your words, and thanks for your encouraging words. Sometimes when you're not in the mood, you seem to steer away from your destination, but you're like the person trailing at the back giving me the high light telling me I'm in the wrong lane. Thanks! appreciate it! :) (especially all the quotes and poems that you've pasted for me!)

Better Than Me

I'm starting to feel lethargic.. tired of waiting.. tired of doing anything.. Feels a little like a loser and feeling a little despaired. Nothing comes easy for me and luck hasn't cut any slack for me. This part of my life made me understand why any of YOUs, my friends, if it hasn't occur to you that you shouldn't, mustn't and promise that you will not, hesitate to decide on something important and follow what your heart tells you, for you will hate yourself and wake up in the morning looking at yourself in the mirror and say "FUCK YOU".

This is a painful lesson I learnt, for spending 4 years doing something I do not have a passion for. I was at a point where I almost got myself into something I am passionate about but because I'm an indecisive person, I made what I thought would be good for me. Well, I guess the pressure you get from the people around you leads to the betrayal of your own thoughts.

Last wednesday, I saw this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on Tv. It was this comedy that made me ponder for awhile as I layed on my bed that night. Robert was deciding whether to continue to be a cop or to step down from his position, but just like me, all of his life, he has never really made a big decision by himself. I realize how much his behaviour resembles mine. I feel sometimes I'm as dumb as him, incompetent shit, and indecisive, although I can be the funny kind of dumb, I guess that's the only thing that's good? haha. Maybe I'm just emo, but I just can feel the pressure of passing thru this phase.

I learnt something important, you have to know how to do things although you don't know how to. I'm lost, I heard about being true to yourself and now I'm hearing about being able to lie about yourself. Hearing about people trying to teach me how to be me, doing things I don't really wanna do... But I guess that's just life, you never get the things you want.. then again, you'll never know if you'll like the other thing offered to you if you don't try. Since what I like can hardly help me in my working life.

This is my therapy.