Better Than Me
I'm starting to feel lethargic.. tired of waiting.. tired of doing anything.. Feels a little like a loser and feeling a little despaired. Nothing comes easy for me and luck hasn't cut any slack for me. This part of my life made me understand why any of YOUs, my friends, if it hasn't occur to you that you shouldn't, mustn't and promise that you will not, hesitate to decide on something important and follow what your heart tells you, for you will hate yourself and wake up in the morning looking at yourself in the mirror and say "FUCK YOU".
This is a painful lesson I learnt, for spending 4 years doing something I do not have a passion for. I was at a point where I almost got myself into something I am passionate about but because I'm an indecisive person, I made what I thought would be good for me. Well, I guess the pressure you get from the people around you leads to the betrayal of your own thoughts.
Last wednesday, I saw this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on Tv. It was this comedy that made me ponder for awhile as I layed on my bed that night. Robert was deciding whether to continue to be a cop or to step down from his position, but just like me, all of his life, he has never really made a big decision by himself. I realize how much his behaviour resembles mine. I feel sometimes I'm as dumb as him, incompetent shit, and indecisive, although I can be the funny kind of dumb, I guess that's the only thing that's good? haha. Maybe I'm just emo, but I just can feel the pressure of passing thru this phase.
I learnt something important, you have to know how to do things although you don't know how to. I'm lost, I heard about being true to yourself and now I'm hearing about being able to lie about yourself. Hearing about people trying to teach me how to be me, doing things I don't really wanna do... But I guess that's just life, you never get the things you want.. then again, you'll never know if you'll like the other thing offered to you if you don't try. Since what I like can hardly help me in my working life.
This is my therapy.
This is a painful lesson I learnt, for spending 4 years doing something I do not have a passion for. I was at a point where I almost got myself into something I am passionate about but because I'm an indecisive person, I made what I thought would be good for me. Well, I guess the pressure you get from the people around you leads to the betrayal of your own thoughts.
Last wednesday, I saw this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on Tv. It was this comedy that made me ponder for awhile as I layed on my bed that night. Robert was deciding whether to continue to be a cop or to step down from his position, but just like me, all of his life, he has never really made a big decision by himself. I realize how much his behaviour resembles mine. I feel sometimes I'm as dumb as him, incompetent shit, and indecisive, although I can be the funny kind of dumb, I guess that's the only thing that's good? haha. Maybe I'm just emo, but I just can feel the pressure of passing thru this phase.
I learnt something important, you have to know how to do things although you don't know how to. I'm lost, I heard about being true to yourself and now I'm hearing about being able to lie about yourself. Hearing about people trying to teach me how to be me, doing things I don't really wanna do... But I guess that's just life, you never get the things you want.. then again, you'll never know if you'll like the other thing offered to you if you don't try. Since what I like can hardly help me in my working life.
This is my therapy.
posted by Jules at 7:01 AM
1 Comments:
Hei, you said that “I feel sometimes I'm as dumb as him, incompetent shit”
You know what? You are one of the friends that I am very much proud of, very.
I prob couldn’t understand what you are going thru now, the transition phase of your life, feeling regret, hating yourself, blaming yourself, getting angry with yourself…..but just want to remind you that nothing is perfect for a human, who can be sure that if you would have chosen what you wanted last time you will not have any regrets now, are you really that sure that life will be easier for you now? prob you are feeling tht you are in a black dark tunnel now, you cant’ even see your own fingers and you dunno where to go but I believe that if you look extra hard you will find that there’s a small bright light at the far end actually. Many people actually also started off doing smthg they dun like but till the end some of them will feel that it was not a bad choice after all. Life isn’t a party but since we are already in it we might as well dance with it. I know I am “membebeling” here but I just want to let you know that whatever or whoever you are, we are proud of you.
I dunno how can I help so I copied all these quotes for you.
i have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work- Thomas Edison
do not wait, the time will never be ‘just right’. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along” –napoleon hill
today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Was it worth it? –anon
I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it-maya angelou
And this is a poem I curi from a blog, I hope I will not be arrested, haha
Beginning today I will no longer worry about yesterday.
It is in the past and the past will never change.
Only I can change by choosing to do so.
Beginning today I will no longer worry about tomorrow.
Tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make the most of it.
But I cannot make the most of tomorrow without first
making the most of today.
Beginning today I will look in the mirror and I will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration.
This capable person looking back at me is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone I would like to get to know better.
Beginning today I will cherish each moment of my life.
I value this gift bestowed upon me in this world and I will unselfishly share this gift with others.
I will use this gift to enhance the lives of others.
Beginning today I will take a moment to step off the beaten path and to revel in the mysteries I encounter.
I will face challenges with courage and determination.
I will overcome what barriers there may be which hinder my quest for growth and self-improvement.
Beginning today I will take life one day at a time, one step at a time.
Discouragement will not be allowed to taint my positive self-image,
my desire to succeed or my capacity to love.
Beginning today I walk with renewed faith in human kindness.
Regardless of what has gone before, I believe there is hope
for a brighter and better future.
Beginning today I will open my mind and my heart.
I will welcome new experiences. I will meet new people.
I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone else: perfection does not exist in an imperfect world.
But I will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles.
Beginning today I am responsible for my own happiness and I will do things that make me happy . . .
admire the beautiful wonders of nature, listen to my favorite music,
pet a kitten or a puppy, soak in a bubble bath . . .
pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.
Beginning today I will learn something new; I will try something different; I will savor all the various flavors life has to offer.
I will change what I can and the rest I will let go.
I will strive to become the best me I can possibly be.
Beginning today. And every day.
may the force be with you and may you be well and happy always.
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